@weinerdog4life

If everyone would stop screaming, I’m sure we’d all agree I’m not supposed to be in this women’s restroom.

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@samalmightysam

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

@Ygrene

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

@imskytrash

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

@tiemoose

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

@solsayswhaaa

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

@Swishergirl24

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

@jessokfine

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

@crocodilethumbs

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

@sixfootcandy

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

@Gupton68

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.