genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
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Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Proofread twice, hang posters once
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…