@Brewsker

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

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@jus4golf

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

@mydmac

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

@StoneAgeRadio13

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

@markydoodoo

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

@GibJimson

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

@fro_vo

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

@Playing_Dad

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

@LizerReal

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

@Brampersandon_

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.