How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
You Might Also Like
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.