If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

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How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?


You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.


ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?


*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn


You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.


Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian


[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail


If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”


If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.