@VerifiedDrunk: If evolution were real you'd think my body would've learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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@FredPollack: Found a bag of weed in my son's bedroom, absolutely horrified! The thing was practically all stems and seeds.
@lyric_intent: [Broken Air Conditioner] Her:*sweaty* how did the pioneers ever survive without A/C? *sweating audibly* well, they're all dead, aren't they?
@daemonic3: "Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?" ME: No, you're still grounded "No fair!" ME: Yes, that's what I said