@VerifiedDrunk

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

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@desukidesu

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red?

me, trying to impress my date: whichever onion the chef prefers

@LisaFarted

So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”

@PlopWaffle

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

@Carbosly

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

@ProBirdRights

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

@inmybox07

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

@Daveastated

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

@elle91

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?