@VerifiedDrunk

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

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@Barknado69

Me: why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie

Surgeon: wtf

M: he was too far out man

S: how are you still awake we heavily sedated you

@SortaBad

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

@ItsAndyRyan

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

@dadsrpeopletoo

A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

@theDRaGnrebOrN

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

@FrazzleMyGimp

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

@GrantTanaka

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

@tweetsvisual

This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.