If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

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me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red?

me, trying to impress my date: whichever onion the chef prefers


So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”


Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.


[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying


I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.


You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth


I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.


Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?