If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao