Me: why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie
M: he was too far out man
S: how are you still awake we heavily sedated you
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
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Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.