If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

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Me: why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie

Surgeon: wtf

M: he was too far out man

S: how are you still awake we heavily sedated you


Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands


Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose


A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.


Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.


Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.


Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?


[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]


I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it


This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.