If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*