If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
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I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
crazy
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.