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Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!