If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
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*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
iPhone X
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day