I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
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people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Mood.. 😂
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.