If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
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My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.