If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
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Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?