[Man on Ledge]
Man: *shouting* I’m going to jump!
Me: *grabbing megaphone* DON’T LAND ON THE TACO TRUCK, I’VE ALREADY PAID FOR MY ORDER!
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
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We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Giraffes born in American Zoos are Giraffrican Americans
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Worst things the parents do in Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician