@Jandalize

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

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@lyric_intent

[Man on Ledge]

Man: *shouting* I’m going to jump!

Me: *grabbing megaphone* DON’T LAND ON THE TACO TRUCK, I’VE ALREADY PAID FOR MY ORDER!

@WilliamAder

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

@KyleMcDowell86

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

@chopper4jk

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

@behindyourback

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

@robfee

Worst things the parents do in Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

@psybermonkey

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician