Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.