every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
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“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I’m a self-made hundredaire
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice