If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
im all 3
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.