If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
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surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.