If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.

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Y’all know you can literally buy a turkey any time of the year right? Because I’m starting to think some of you don’t.


If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.


I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.


Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.


Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*


Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens


My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.


I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.


It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.