@Thedudish

If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.

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@freefanaddict

Y’all know you can literally buy a turkey any time of the year right? Because I’m starting to think some of you don’t.

@Grommit56

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

@Vice_Queen

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

@Backthat_sid

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

@envydatropic

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

@njlitigator

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

@rcromwell4

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

@NotJPo

I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.

@crunchenhanced

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.