I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
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my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
umm…
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant