@daveexplosm

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

You Might Also Like

@AbbieEvansXO

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

@tsm560

Those 3 am conversations that start and end with “How many times can one person pee during the night?”

@garrettbarry70

The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is “We’re going for a break now, we’ll be back later”

@C_A_Guardiola

Whenever someone calls me ebullient, I have to stop and think if I’ve just been insulted.

@sass_n_ass

Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette

@philco816

Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .

Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.

Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.

@chuuew

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

@causticbob

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

@JediGigi

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]