Fight club member:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
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Those 3 am conversations that start and end with “How many times can one person pee during the night?”
The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is “We’re going for a break now, we’ll be back later”
Whenever someone calls me ebullient, I have to stop and think if I’ve just been insulted.
Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette
Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .
Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.
Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.