If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

You Might Also Like


People that steal babies have obviously never owned a baby before.


*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*


Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.


If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple


HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.


Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth


Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?