If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
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I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Customize Your Wedding.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
i baked you a cake
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”