Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

The big book of baby names but for safe words

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.