Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
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my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
If losing a debate, end a sentence with “see what I did there?”. As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*