@PleaseBeGneiss

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

You Might Also Like

@realfunghi

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

@jakery

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

@riotjulesfern

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

@dmc1138

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

@TheBoydP

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

@philYama

If losing a debate, end a sentence with “see what I did there?”. As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object

@dafloydsta

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

@CopBroughtPizza

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

@ChrisHallbeck

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”