@PleaseBeGneiss

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

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@KaylaChowShow

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

@WheelTod

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

@videojames_

murderer: does that hurt

me: not really

murderer: oh thank god. im so nervous

@neiltyson

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

@AdinaSunny

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

@ReticentTurnip

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

@ThisLocalHater

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

@Vice_Queen

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.