If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
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[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
me
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?