@PleaseBeGneiss

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

@Bob_Janke

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

@fusedude

Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS3 in return.

@sonictyrant

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

@DeanOkay

My electric car is getting a service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.

@ShortSleeveSuit

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

@trumpetcake

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

@PJTLynch

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago