Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
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If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
You smell wonderful. Can I ask what you’re wearing?
Sure, it’s the perfume sample on page 49 in April’s Cosmo.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.