People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
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H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
no!! no!!!!!!
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”