People always complain that I’m “out there.” [On the phone. To the cops. While I’m sitting in their birdbath.]
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
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[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me
“Wow there are a lot of non-brown people in Gaza.” – anyone tuning into Ferguson coverage late
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I went to a AAA meeting today and a guy celebrated 21 years. That is some responsible vehicle ownership.
Maybe if I swallow enough magnets I’ll become attractive.
At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now
Subway: so no extra cheese?
Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol