If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
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wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
accurate
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard