@GrabTheWEness

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

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@trumpetcake

People always complain that I’m “out there.” [On the phone. To the cops. While I’m sitting in their birdbath.]

@87bidi

[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me

@kumailn

“Wow there are a lot of non-brown people in Gaza.” – anyone tuning into Ferguson coverage late

@scarebro

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

@GlumGeorgeLucas

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

@hunz74

I went to a AAA meeting today and a guy celebrated 21 years. That is some responsible vehicle ownership.

@DaddyJew

At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now

Subway: so no extra cheese?

Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol