[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
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Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
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D
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ʸ
ʸ
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Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I’m having an out of money experience.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me