[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
You Might Also Like
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Chicken bread
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
early stone age tool
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”