If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

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The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.


TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.


Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.


I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.


I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.


Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.


Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!


I have failed math eleventeen times or so.