If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
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You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom