If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

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One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…


Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*


Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.


Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*


Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.


the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs


WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.


I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.


I was late to work because I was having car trouble.

And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.


Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.