@wendchymes

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

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@toastymoe

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

@geowizzacist

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

@darrinfb

Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.

@jtrulez

Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*

@erica_rosie

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

@camillagluh

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

@DaveTheAlbino

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

@Ilovelamp1979

I was late to work because I was having car trouble.

And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.

@Jake_Vig

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.