If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
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Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.