If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.


Me: I work from home.

You: OMG that’s amazing. I want to do that someday! You’re so lucky!

Me: I also live at work.


I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity


me: i’d like to make a complaint

optometrist: what is it?

me: the surgery i just had

optometrist: and?

me: [taking off sunglasses] do you see any laser eyes because i don’t


[airport security pulls Robocop aside]
-Got ID?
-Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u.
-Save it pal


If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.


God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot


I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that