If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
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Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.