if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

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Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.


I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.


Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages


If it weren’t for dating sites, I’d still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it’s all gone now.



Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes


[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that