If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
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The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
North and South
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.