[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?
Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Between IKEA and Burger King, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all eaten entire horses by now.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Shoutout to my 6th grade track coach who said, “This is the meet to beat” and had no idea why I couldn’t stop laughing.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
When the police asked me where I was between 4 and 5, apparently “Kindergarten” wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
“*RING**RING* in the middle
Of night! “Hello?” “Hey man are you home?” “No dude i just picked up my house phone from Burger King.”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.