DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
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you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
i love meeting boys on tinder
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense