If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?

Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.

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[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.


Between IKEA and Burger King, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all eaten entire horses by now.


[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this


Shoutout to my 6th grade track coach who said, “This is the meet to beat” and had no idea why I couldn’t stop laughing.


My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family


When the police asked me where I was between 4 and 5, apparently “Kindergarten” wasn’t the answer he was looking for.


“*RING**RING* in the middle
Of night! “Hello?” “Hey man are you home?” “No dude i just picked up my house phone from Burger King.”


Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame


Expecting Parents,

I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.