@MandiAtRandom

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

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@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a recovering coke addict

ME {trying to impress her}: Is Pepsi okay?

@daemonic3

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

@thenatewolf

One unintended consequence of unprotected sex is that sometimes, 6 years later, a small child is forced to learn the recorder.

@TheAlexNevil

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

@PhilJamesson

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

@captainkalvis

doctor: i’ve got good news and bad news
me: what’s the bad news?
doctor: you lost your short term memory
me: and what’s the bad news?

@Social_Mime

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

@itswrigley

I never did think of myself as beautiful, terribly attractive, yes, but not beautiful.

@rachelle_mandik

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

@clindsaysway

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.