If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”