If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
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Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
This pepper has seen some shit
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day