FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
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me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My first child will be named New Folder.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
reminder
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Knock Knock
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos