if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
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Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Sharon I have some bad news
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
wow
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
A friend sent me this.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.