if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
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What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler