If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
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What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Wait a minute…
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
how to have fun when you’re poor