[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
If he refuses to let you call him your cutie pie sweet potato biscuit buttering love muffin… he’s not that into you.
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*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Marriage has taught me that communication is key. I talk to my therapist & she talks to hers. Its not perfect, but its progress.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
*kneels to pray*
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
Me: I don’t like online shopping. I’m old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it.
Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?