Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
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Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Taking phone security to the next level.