Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
If he refuses to let you call him your cutie pie sweet potato biscuit buttering love muffin… he’s not that into you.
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The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.