@arwenlothbrok

If he refuses to let you call him your cutie pie sweet potato biscuit buttering love muffin… he’s not that into you.

You Might Also Like

@mess_of_petals

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

@mydmac

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

@AndrewChamings

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

@3sunzzz

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

@NJPsychDoc

Marriage has taught me that communication is key. I talk to my therapist & she talks to hers. Its not perfect, but its progress.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

@_cingraham

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

@UncleDuke1969

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

@AristotlesNZ

Me: I don’t like online shopping. I’m old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it.
Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.

@mayamanion

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?