If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
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Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
“A little help here, Danny?”
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”