@Parker_Simpson

If Hillary wins in 2016, it’s gonna be a huge year for shoulder pads

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@sonictyrant

DATE: So what do you do?

ME (a night watchman): I’m a night—

DATE: I hope it’s something thrilling

ME: —shyamalan

@APowerfulMagnet

Professor x: What’s your power.

Me: I can rotate anything.

Professor +: Wow.

@Fickle_Filly

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

@WheelTod

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

@rickygervais

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

@Seinfeld2000

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

@michaelianblack

I like the way baseball players pick up each other’s bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.