DATE: So what do you do?
ME (a night watchman): I’m a night—
DATE: I hope it’s something thrilling
If Hillary wins in 2016, it’s gonna be a huge year for shoulder pads
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Professor x: What’s your power.
Me: I can rotate anything.
Professor +: Wow.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I like the way baseball players pick up each other’s bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?