Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
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If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn’t work play “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”. Bears love that song.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Had an epiphany today.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.