@heatherlou_

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

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@TwinSurvivalist

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

@TheTalkingPipe

If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn’t work play “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”. Bears love that song.

@zaiush_sarel

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

@abasketofcraig

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

@_wangwe

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

@SvnSxty

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

@rancheroni

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

@LuvPug

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.