If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
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I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues