If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??