@TheStanchion

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

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@d_duhwit

Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.

@fillthevacuum

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

@realfunghi

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

@imteddybless

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

@Parkerlawyer

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

@SteveSuckington

“Tell me where the money is or else I kill the girl”

-just to be clear, if I don’t tell you she dies but I get to live right?

@sixfootcandy

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

@KentWGraham

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.