If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
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me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”