If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
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MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
hey, alexa
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.