@gobmentcheese

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

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@tchrquotes

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

@TheCiscoKidder

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

@IncrediblyRich

After six years of being responsible, I finally went and lost my phone last night. I’m currently using Twitter from the web. LIKE A CAVEMAN.

@FriskyOnWhiskey

If anyone’s seen me at my best, and seen me at my worse, and still accepts me for who I am, it’s definitely the liquor store.

@Love_bug1016

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

@Pirate_nurse

To be clear…putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves

@AimeeHelene1

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

@joekellyjk47

As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.

@skickwriter

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?