When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
You Might Also Like
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
After six years of being responsible, I finally went and lost my phone last night. I’m currently using Twitter from the web. LIKE A CAVEMAN.
If anyone’s seen me at my best, and seen me at my worse, and still accepts me for who I am, it’s definitely the liquor store.
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye
Him: No, not like that
To be clear…putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?