If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
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The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Extremely relatable.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.