@gobmentcheese: If horror movies have taught me anything it's that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
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@UncleDuke1969: WIFE: “At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?” ME: ”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
@oxygenplug: *you see a bear approaching you* Quick play dead! *bears comes running up* Oh god! OH GOD! What's happening!? Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?
@urgeekisshowing: That awkward moment when someone asks if you've dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
@ChrisIsJoking: My dog acts like he's always auditioning to be my best friend. I'm like "Dude, you already got the part...you can relax."