If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

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When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.


Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.


After six years of being responsible, I finally went and lost my phone last night. I’m currently using Twitter from the web. LIKE A CAVEMAN.


If anyone’s seen me at my best, and seen me at my worse, and still accepts me for who I am, it’s definitely the liquor store.


[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that


To be clear…putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves


Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!


As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.


5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?