Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
If Horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that you give elderly people what they want or else they’ll place a curse on you.
You Might Also Like
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
? Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.