@drinksmcgee: If Horror movies have taught me anything, it's that you give elderly people what they want or else they'll place a curse on you.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home? Me: I don't even think about work at work.
@Playing_Dad: "POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP." Show me a badge. *cop gets badge out* I didn't say Simon Says. "Let's go home guys. Sorry, my fault."
@TheToddWilliams: [my laboratory] ME: I'VE DONE IT! MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT'S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.