@drinksmcgee

If Horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that you give elderly people what they want or else they’ll place a curse on you.

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@mamatomy3

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

@jtswhipped

To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.

@TheCamJude

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

@UncleDuke1969

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

@Dishy2101

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

@MOONEM0Jl

aliens probably ride pass earth and lock their doors

@KindOfASmartass

I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!

Seriously.

Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.

@blade_funner

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”