Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
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I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?