@drinksmcgee

If Horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that you give elderly people what they want or else they’ll place a curse on you.

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@JoParkerBear

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

@Six_Pack_Mom

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

@rockymomax

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

@TweetPotato314

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

@TheBoydP

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

@CornOnTheGoblin

? Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ?

@mrdaveturner

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.