54% of IKEA purchases end in divorce.
If Horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that you give elderly people what they want or else they’ll place a curse on you.
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My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
aliens probably ride pass earth and lock their doors
I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!
Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
“We are out of oranges” he said, fruitlessly.