pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
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ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”