if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring