if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
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You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Something Saturday.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.